Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Empty Cart Syndrome

I have been wanting to post this particular post for a long time. I'm just now finally "stealing" a few minutes of my day to write it. Of course I have written this post a bunch of times in my head! I am constantly blogging in my head. It makes me crazy that I haven't made the time to sit and blog for almost 2 months, but really I have been blogging every day, just in my mind. Oh well, back to what I wanted to write about today.
Since this school year started and now that my kids are all in school all day (ALL DAY people!!) I now get the "luxury" to shop by myself. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE IT!! Especially when I'm using coupons, it's best that I'm alone. But, what I noticed when I first walk into the store, and grab a cart, I immediately put my purse inside the front section. Inside the first section is a flap that you put down to put a child in there or you push up to put items inside so that they don't fall out. Here's my point people....I put the flap up! That means that there isn't a child with me. It may sound corny or stupid, but every time I push that flap up I'm reminded that I'm in a different stage in my life. I don't know why, but for some reason, I get a little sad when it happens.
OK, I feel a little bit better now that I have blogged about it. But, I would really like to hear from anyone who also feels this way...or am I just crazy? Don't answer that. Feel free to comment.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Time....Friend or Foe??

Time is NOT always on my side!! There are just not enough hours in the day!! Seriously, what is the deal?? I feel like I don't know if I'm coming or going.
My whole day is bound by time....
Time to get up
Time to get the girls to the bus
Time to rush to work
Time to run to appointments
Time to take my Mom someplace
Time to get everything done before the next day
Things snowball if I'm running late....I HATE being late! One thing runs into another and I'm racing to catch up!
I can't wake up late, then we'll miss the bus, can't miss the bus, then I'll have to drive 2 hours to get there and back and then be SERIOUSLY late for work. If I'm late to work then I'll have to make up the time...from where????
One day last week I didn't HAVE to be anywhere after work...it was a wonderful feeling. The only problem was that I felt lost...what should I do?? I had a few hours today and nothing pressing!! I spent a while trying to figure out if I was forgetting something. I decided to take a long hot shower right in the middle of the day!! Funny though, I couldn't stay too long, I was kinda bored, and the water ran out! All the other times I want to stay in longer I feel guilty that I'm using all the hot water, or someone else is waiting for the shower.
I tried to not feel guilty about giving the time to myself and I was starting to feel very proud of myself until I realized later in the day that there were a bunch of things I should have done around the house.... like make enough food for dinner!!
Oh well...... Time to start the day again!!

Thursday, October 15, 2009


I've had so much to write, but not enough time to write it. I've started about 5 million blog post's in my head...really I have. So, I thought that I would first post an update of sorts.
The kids started off school very nicely and they are for the most part, enjoying school. I am thrilled to pieces that they are all settled nicely and enjoying my new schedule. I am so insanely busy all day!! I have always had a busy schedule, but the way my time is used now is so completely different than before. I am working in the morning and then my afternoons are crammed with a gazillion errands and appointments!! My mom had another surgery three weeks ago, and is recovering well...in her own apartment!!!! Although, I need to shop and visit her as often as I can.
I sometimes try to run (literally) to the store before work to get an errand accomplished. Many days, like today, I finally arrive home minutes before the kids come home. That means that all the laundry, dishes,etc are all waiting for me when I get home. By the time the kids (or at least some of them) are in bed, I am trying to catch up on the housework. Therefore, when will I ever have time to blog???? Right now I should be doing so many other things, but here I sit blogging with the chaos surrounding me!
That is the update in a nutshell....more later.....

Friday, September 4, 2009

Welcome Back

Every school year comes with it's own challenges, but this year seems a little bit harder than others. This year I have my oldest starting high school, which is a HUGE step (considering I feel like I'm still in high school)! My son is now in 7th grade, and younger daughter is in 4th. Then, my youngest is now starting kindergarten next week (why, oh why, do they have to wait until the 10th of September to start???)
The gap of the ages of my oldest and youngest really is quite glaring to me....high school and kindergarten!!! New beginnings but at totally different ends of the spectrum. High school is all about her friends and how her clothes look (love those uniforms)and trying really hard to find her classrooms. Kindergarten is all about playing and projects and recess. But, they both need reassurance, hugs, and a listening ear. Funny how even though they are nine years apart, they really need the same love, and reassurance.
The oldest was third in line to start school this year and I was gearing myself up for her homecoming (there was not enough chocolate in this house)but, she came and had a pretty good first day. The usual, some teachers she liked better than others, and which of her friends were with her, how short lunch was and how she almost got lost! I was waiting for more, for the usual emotional drama avalanche that accompanies my daughter. She has this great way about her that once she starts talking it becomes a monologue...and her voice becomes like all the adult characters in Charlie Brown...Wawa Waawa Waaa. I tune her out until I catch some word or phrase that peaks my interest and ask,"Wait, what did you say?", to which she get's very annoyed and asks me, "Weren't you listening?" Busted!
I will post later what happens on the first day for my kindergartner. I know I will need a lot of support for that one. I also start a new job that week too.
Welcome back to a new school year!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Mother of the Year Award

.....And the award goes to...... NOT ME!

Reasons I will NOT get the Mother of the year award:

1: The word "no" is said more than any other words I say.

2: I threaten and don't follow through(most of the time).

3: I am the most happy when they are sleeping.

4: Bribery is my best weapon.

5: Use my bathroom time as a way of an escape.

6: My computer time is waaay longer than theirs.

7: I count the days (and sometimes hours) until they start school.

8: I do a dance on the first day of school (when they leave of course).

9: I act in a most embarrassing way (according to my teenage daughter) though I'm not sure what I've done

10: Kiss and hug my kids in public.(that might explain #9)

11: I overuse the word "maybe" to get them off my back until I say no.

12: I use food as an emotional band aid.

13: Make my kids do chores even when they complain.

14: Expect them to take responsibility for their behavior.

15: THE WORST OF ALL --- Make them say "sorry" to the person they hurt.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Momma Got A Job!

Thank you to those who gave me advice on the job seeking issue! (all 3 of you ....ahhh...to one day have so many followers!)
I found a job!! It literally fell in my lap!! I know, crazy huh? Especially in this job market!! I found it on facebook!! I know, right??? Now my husband can't say anything bad about facebook...HA!!
I started talking to someone every day at camp drop-off who was an acquaintance. We soon became facebook friends as well. One day she commented about her job on facebook, and I asked her about it (I was curious because I assumed for some reason that she didn't work). Well, one question led to another and BOOM, that was it, she asked me to come in and have an interview (she let me know that she does the hiring too).
So, here I am --- a working girl!! I haven't officially started yet, I am training on Sundays and will start after the kids start school. It really is a great opportunity for me, the hours are flexible, and she is very understanding of my situation with my mom being sick too.
So, that is the big news for now!! I just need to get through the next few weeks with the kids (and my mom) until school starts! HELP!!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Hi Ho Hi Ho ....It's Off to Work I GO!

Coming this fall, all my kids will be in school all day. Yowsers!! I can't believe it!! I am so excited to have the whole day ahead of me.....except that now I need to look for a job to pay for all the tuition! A job? Like in an office? With other adults? I haven't had an office job since....oh....almost 14 years ago! I was expecting my oldest, and as soon as I gave birth, I stopped working. I have had some very interesting and very different jobs.
My very first job was babysitting, I was a teenager and it made pretty good money. My last year of high school I worked at a Hallmark card store. That had to be my most favorite place to work! I loved helping people, I was allowed to decorate the front window for all the holidays(which I absolutely loved)and I got an awesome discount to which I used to get gifts for people. During college I worked at an optical store, where I helped with bookkeeping. Then I had the office job before I had my daughter.
Once I had my daughter, I stayed home with her until she was about a year old. A friend of mine convinced me to work at a nursery school as an aide, they offered free babysitting, how could I say no? I was already pregnant with my son and so later that spring I left. When he was six months old, the same friend (she always has good ideas)told me about another aide job, also with free babysitting! That worked out well for that school year, then the school closed down. I didn't work outside the home again until my third child was a toddler. I worked evenings and Sundays at a hat store. It was a little hectic because I would literally fly out the door as soon as my husband came home from work. This saved us on paying for babysitting, but it was kinda insane! That worked for us for about a year and then I changed venues completely. I wanted to be able to work at home and make my own hours. I worked for a company that you had to have parties to sell your product. At first I thought I would be able to do this, not really! It takes a certain person to be able to sell themselves and their product...I'm not that certain person. I tried, I really, really tried. I kept at it for about 5 years, then the company, out of the blue, shut down! I was relieved, because I didn't want to quit, I just couldn't admit that I wasn't successful!
So, now here I am looking for a job. What kind of job do I even look for? What skills do I have? Can I handle the stress of it all? My college degree is basically useless. How am I going to get a job in this job market?
If you have any advice, send it over!!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Shop and Save

I love shopping. But, I love getting a good deal EVEN more! I get so excited when I see a sale rack, or if I know that there is a sale going on before I get there. I seriously get a high from saving money! Better than drugs, much cheaper...well maybe. I also get a nervous stomach...I know isn't that crazy? My body reacts to the excitement in that way!
I go to all the clearance aisles first like a hound dog sniffing out their prey! I am like a rabid beast foaming at the mouth snarling at anyone who is near me(maybe that is why people back away)grabbing at whatever I can find.
I used to like grocery shopping because our store let their customers use expired coupons. Two months ago they put up a sign saying that they were NOT going to accept expired coupons. I was devastated. I'm not kidding, I was so upset. I had to throw out so many coupons! I was used to saving up to $20.00 with all my coupons. I have to start over and now watch all the expiration dates...that is a chore in itself.
They expire so soon...I have pressure now to spend more to use the coupon before it expires! I am spending more money using coupons! What a concept!
Now I am very into Freecycle (freecycle.org)! Everything is free! I love this site, I can get rid of stuff and buy MORE stuff!! Hubby can't complain...cuz it's FREE baby!!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Am I a bad mom if I don't really miss my son while he is away at summer camp? The truth is he is not that far away...only 15 minutes. It's a sleep away camp that happens to not be far from our house. He left last Tuesday (so in my defense he hasn't been away even a week yet)and my husband came on Friday to take his dirty laundry. He called on Friday afternoon, I was very excited to talk to him and he sounded so happy! That makes me happy that he is content. I guess that is what it is....he's happy so I am not worried about him and I know that if I need to see him I can. He will be away a total of 4 weeks...just long enough I think. His sisters won't admit it, but they miss him and they were mad that when he called on Friday he didn't ask about them! It is definitely a different dynamic without him...the girls can't blame him for all the stuff that they do!
The other thing is, a few weeks before he left, my mom moved in to our house, and into his room. It made the most sense because he has a bathroom in there (I know! Lucky right? It's too small for a master bedroom..we don't have our own bathroom!)and it's more private. So, he had to move into the basement for a few weeks before camp. He wasn't happy to leave his room but he was ok. The reason I am explaining all this is because I am not walking into his room thinking that it's empty and I miss him. I only see my mom's things everywhere and don't identify that room as my son's.
Last week I was in the basement,and passed his room down there with all his stuff strewn all over the place.... I got kinda sad (almost weepy). I can't go in there yet to clean it up. OK, I feel better now, I do kinda miss him...kinda.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Supermarket Smackdown

Seriously, what is wrong with the baggers at my grocery store? Why, why, why must they pack my bags in that moronic way? Why must I have to re-pack my bags once I get to the car? I'll tell you why...it's because their sole purpose in life is to aggravate me!
I'm a little keyed up, I realize that. I'm a little controlling, I realize that as well. I also really enjoy grocery shopping until it's time to check out. As soon as I see THAT bagger, you know who you are, I cringe. Oh no...it's HER! The one who puts the freezer items next to a box of crackers so that the crackers become a wet mess...the one who puts the eggs on the BOTTOM of the bag...the one who makes me insane with anger!!
My problems with baggers all started years ago when we lived in an apartment on the second floor and I had three little ones with me. It was much easier for me when the bags where packed so that the cold items could be together and taken upstairs first with the screaming children and then later either I or my husband(preferably husband)could go and get the non-perishable items.
The grocery store supposedly teaches the baggers to separate the items as to perishable and non-perishable...ummmm...not really! I've had to call the manager more than once to complain because I thought I had brought in the bags that needed refrigeration only to find later that one item was left in the other bags. That item was spoiled. I got a replacement, but I had to go back to the store to get it. Not a happy camper. Each and every time I had this happen I went over the "rules" with the manager and I was told that yes, they are supposed to separate these items.
Then, the store came out with these new recyclable bags. I was thrilled, not because I was helping the environment, but because they had separate bags!! One that was for cold items and one for regular items! They even came in different colors to make it really clear! Clear for everyone except the baggers!!!! I have the same problem even with the new bags!! The baggers still can't get it right!! Morons!! Will they ever get it right? I am destined to a life of idiot baggers who live only to ruin my day! :(

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Mad Momma

When I started this blog I picked the title after Tyler Perry's movie "Diary of a Mad Black Woman". I did not realise at the time that I would truly become a mad momma. Let me explain. Life has become even more stressful and complicated since starting my new blog. In my bio I wrote that I have a crazy insane life with 4 kids and a sick mom. Well, little did I know that my crazy insane life could get crazier. My mom has become more frail and sick and has now been living with me for the past 3 weeks. The kids are getting older and need attention too. Thus, I have become mad, mad as in crazy mad. Crazy insane.
Don't get in my way crazy insane! I am more focused than ever in what I need to do to get through the day. Some are hard and some are really hard. I have somewhat come to terms with how my life is right now...that this is where I need to be and what I need to be doing now.
Right now things are very unsettled in few areas and hopefully very soon things will be clearer. Life has it's ups and downs, I'm just keeping my seat belt on. I might me mad but I'm holding onto whatever little sanity I have left.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Next Please

I am so overdone with all the appointments I have for my kids. This one needs new glasses, that one needs to go to O.T., not to mention the orthodontist, the dentist, the ear nose and throat, and the pediatrician!
One of my kids needs her tonsils and adenoids out this summer. Two of the four kids are in glasses. They all need to have dental and pediatrician check ups. That is only the tip of the iceberg! That is not including all the appointments for my mom. The oral surgeon, the primary, the podiatrist, the list goes on.....
I am running from one place to another constantly.
I know that I am not the only one who has this insane schedule. What do you do to manage all the people in your life? Comment here and tell me what works for you! I could definitely use some advice!

Monday, June 15, 2009

My Space

My husband says I say too much information...my friend tells me I give too much eye contact to other people.
It's my blog, I'll do what I want.(sorry honey...be careful, I could put you in here) Especially now, with what is going on in my life, I need a place to vent.
My mom has been living with us and while it's been extremely stressful and sad at times I feel very good about it. I am proud of myself. There, I said it. I'm proud of myself for taking care of her. It gets very overwhelming at times. She needs help bathing and getting around. I am preparing all her meals and making sure she is taking the correct medication at the correct time (that in itself is a full time job..17 different medications a day!)
So... this blog is my only space that no one else occupies but me. IT'S MY SPACE!!! Ya think I need therapy?? Oh, it's a long story!! I haven't even had time to sit at the computer in days...I snuck off to write this while my daughter is in a class here at the library.
Sorry to those of you whom I regularly comment on your blogs...I am swamped right now. I am constantly running from mom's appointments (did I mention the infected tooth that needed to be pulled on Friday)to errands and the kids appointments etc..
My oldest daughter had to "babysit" my mom when I leave because mom can't be left alone. I know I will look back on this time wondering how I am managing right now, but I am in this weird "zone" I guess I would call it. Just doing what needs to get done.
This is MY SPACE...I'm just saying what I want.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

As of Sunday Momma has moved in with us....this is just a continuation of the last post really. She went home (much to my pleading) Thursday night only to fall, yet again, in the middle if the night. At 2:30 Friday morning (it ain't my morning) my son ran into my room with the phone telling me she called. She hurt her foot...off to the emergency room! Oh, what fun it was!
At least the E.R. was empty, but it actually made it really creepy to be there. It was like a bad scary movie....it was eerily quiet at 3:00 am and my mom was either sleeping or talking incoherently to me (which of course no one noticed but me...even creepier). I literally thought that I was going batty! My mom had been acting this way since I had picked her up. Either she would start saying something and stop and then forget what she was saying or she would just say things and they wouldn't make sense. The worst was when she started telling me something but she was referring to me in the third person....SCARY!! None of the doctors or nurses noticed this bizarre behavior...JUST ME! She asked for pain medication and the nurse was going to give her but I stopped him and told him that she had taken pain medication only 2 hrs prior....OMG.. can you imagine if I wouldn't have been there??
A few hours later and 4 broken bones in her foot, they admitted her for the weekend. I was relieved, she really needed more care than I could have given her then. They tested her for seizures and epilepsy because of her falling and confusion. Those tests thankfully came out fine, but her falling is a side effect of the chemo making her so weak. Also, the pain meds make her loopy sometimes.
So, for now she is living here, we are not sure what will be...just taking it day by day.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I will Survive

Today has been A DAY. How do I explain? Where do I start? I'll start at my usual rude awakening of being asked at 6:00 am by my 4 year old to play on the computer. The next thing I know it's 7:15 and I need to leave at 7:30 to take my 9 year old daughter to the bus..AAAGGHHHH! I jump out of bed and panic because today I need to leave the house at 7:30 for the day....I don't have time to come back and finish getting ready. That means the 4 year old needs to be dressed and all her things ready for school and me dressed and ready in less than 15 minutes!!
We were at that bus at 7:30!! Then as soon as the 9 year old was off, the 4 year old and I went grocery shopping and then off to her first OT appointment by 9:00 am. On the way to the store my 12 year old son called from back at the house that he somehow missed the bus(not sure how because he left at 7:10)and wanted me to take him to school. I told him that I couldn't take him(school is very close)because I needed to go shopping then. He was not happy about that answer and said that he wasn't going to school...Oh I don't think so mister..get yourself to school by foot or bike! I won that argument!
After OT I dropped the little one off at school and went home to meet my friend whose kids I babysit 3 times a week. She needed to bring them earlier than usual today so I raced home. A half hour later with 2 toddlers (18 months and 3 years) playing in the backyard I was talking to my mom on the phone -- when mom fell. I heard her yell and I knew it wasn't good...she said she was ok, but couldn't get up.(cue the commercial..I've fallen and I can't get up..I used to laugh at that commercial-not any more) I grabbed the kids and ran to help mom. When I got there she was still on the floor waiting by the door. I got her up and settled and then called the doctor to find out what to do. I took her back to my house for the day. Getting her, the two kids and mom's dog all to the car was a scene! I was holding the dog's leash, the bags, and trying to hold the little one's hand while my mom was using her walker and walking with the other child. We got home and with 3 minutes to spare until my 4 year old was being dropped off from school. Whew!! I put the baby in for a nap and tried to help my mom get settled at my house.
It was a long afternoon....taking care of mom, the babysitting kids and my youngest daughter. Seriously, there are days that I don't know how I survive!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Dinner Dilema

Dinner. It is the bane of my existence. I need to know what I am preparing for dinner early in the day...sometimes I even try to plan the night before! When I don't know what we are having for dinner, my day is not a happy one..neither is anyone else around me.
Oh, I have the regulars I prepare...ya know, macaroni, anything with pasta, and noodles with cheese of course. It's those days where my mind goes blank and my family is sick of pasta(I am sooo offended). I also get stuck up a creek when I have decided what we are having, and become filled with glee for having figured that out, when I realise that I am missing one or even some of the ingredients!!! Back to the drawing board...pasta anyone??
I know people who are so organized that they plan their meals in advance...I hate those people..and even shop and freeze meals weeks in advance...I really hate those people!
I wish I could be that organized, the best I can do is once a week I use the crock pot(frozen chicken = hello dinner).
Does anyone have any suggestions? Seriously....my family begs you from the bottom of their heart to help their mommy....for the love of all that is easy and yummy!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Gone...but not Forgotten?

I was out the whole the entire day yesterday, yes it's true! From 10:30 - 7:30!! I knew I'd be gone a while but it ended up that by the time I came home, my youngest was sleeping. Wow, my husband had all four by himself all day and wasn't even grumpy when I came home!! He really gets extra points for taking my mom out with them too!
My friend who was with me took turns calling our husbands at home to check on them...it's called(sorry honey)the guiltometer call. It is where our guilt is rated according to our husband's patience level with the kids and us. It is a very tentative moment....what kind of voice will we hear? Will it be door number one...good vibrations, or door number two...all hell is breaking loose? We were so happy and relieved to hear only good vibrations coming from our homes!! There was something in the air yesterday...and whatever it was, it was good!!
We had a lot of fun, but we were still feeling guilty about not being at home.
After I got home and saw that everything was going well, I thought...did they miss me? I know that it sounds silly, of course they missed me, but because they were fine without me does that mean that they didn't need me? Again, I know that it sounds foolish to even think it....but I did.
I saw my lone plate left at the table sitting there mocking me...I should have been home for dinner... Should have? I get stuck in the "shoulda,woulda, coulda" evil thoughts that make my guilty conscience take over me.
How was their dinner without me? Does it matter? I do know one thing...I am going to try to stop feeling guilty about whatever I'm doing. To enjoy the moment..ahh who am I kidding? I feel guilty right now that I should be making phone calls instead of writing this post!!
Oh well,as my daughter says...WHATEVER!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Giving and Taking

I love manicures. I just don't like the fact that another person is doing the work. I know it sounds silly....that's the point right? Manicures are supposed to be special because it is done for you. It's a luxury....well, I just feel so uncomfortable about it. I know that this is their job...it just feels wrong to be sitting like a queen on her throne while someone else is cleaning the dirt from my nails!
I don't get them done very often at all...I can count on one hand the amount of times I have had a manicure or pedicure. Besides the cost, it just makes me so uncomfortable being the one getting polished...maybe I should be the one giving manicures instead of taking them.
There are two kinds of people in the world, givers and takers. I prefer to be a giver...It feels so wrong to me to be a taker. All day, every day I am a giver..so one would think that maybe once every 2 years I could indulge a little and be a taker and get my nails done. I mean, I am paying for it, it's not like I'm a moocher and getting it for free!! Although the one I just got was for free(for me at least it was)my friend had a gift certificate! I paid a nice tip too!
I am uncomfortable with cleaning help as well...especially when they're PREGNANT!! I kid you not...there she was on her hands and knees with her tummy hanging low washing my floor. I felt badly firing her because she needed the money..but I couldn't be a part of that anymore. I almost asked her if she needed me to come and clean her house! I have more cleaning lady stories for another day.
I will end with this: I'd take a giver any day of the week!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Waiting Game

I hate waiting. I hate waiting for results of tests at the top of my "hating to wait" list.
My mom is going for further testing this week to see if the cancer has spread to the lungs too. We are scheduled to go to the oncologist the next day to find out the results....I HATE WAITING!
I try to stay upbeat for her. She knows that I'm trying...I know that she knows I'm trying...but its very difficult. I had a health crisis myself almost 3 years ago and I can sympathize with her...sort of. My health crisis was not as difficult as my mom's is....I had a much better prognosis and today I am (Thank G-d)cured. The prognosis for mom is not as good. She's stage four and older...but she's fighting it with everything she's got(the chemo has taken almost everything).
I'm watching her wasting away to practically nothing...
We sit at doctors offices and...wait. Take tests and ....wait. Call the doctor and .....wait.
She finally told me the other day that she is willing to go for a second opinion. I have been asking her for months! This will require more tests and more waiting...but if that is what we need to do...
I'll wait at any doctor....wait for any test results...wait as long as I need to...whatever it takes to beat the evil cancer.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Raising Linda

My Mom was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. It has totally taken over my life...especially when she was in the hospital for over a month. Trying to juggle my totally hectic life before she got sick was hard enough..but after the diagnosis, I seriously wondered many days if I had the strength to make it through.
She is now undergoing chemo and we pray that she will be with us for a long time.
There are some days, however, I am taking care of my Mom in a way that feels so utterly frustrating and slightly disturbing.
Let me explain...my Mom has some great attributes like.. acting young for her age, and being stubborn(which has helped her fight the cancer). These attributes also have a downside. She acts like a rebellious teenager...taking her friends car and driving herself to chemo when she is so weak she can barely function....not telling me that when she saw the doctor he might want to hospitalize her because of her extremely high blood pressure. Yeah...and also staying with her friend in the emergency room so filled with people that there are no beds and they are all complaining of swine flu symptoms...I almost had a coronary when she called me from there...She has NO IMMUNITY!! Her oncologist had just told her that her white blood count is dangerously low...and she's in the emergency room!! I was a little angry...just a little.
What am I supposed to do with her? That is the question my sister and I ask each other very frequently. Yes, she is 61 yeas old...but her behavior proves otherwise. She wants her independence..and I want her to have it...but I always have to pick up the pieces of her life when she acts irresponsibly.
Truthfully, this has always been the way she has behaved(hence,two failed marriages) but now with her health in jeopardy it has become more of an issue. I have always been her caretaker in one way or another(you definitely don't want details)but now with the demands of my own kids and husband it is more stressful. I try to balance everyone and everything the best that I possibly can.
Every day is a challenge.....especially raising Linda.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Grass is Greener

I am sitting here at my older daughter's school trying to make sense of my emotions. I'm here with my youngest looking at the program for next year. This all came much faster than I expected...much too fast.
It all started this morning by letting her go on the bus with her big sister..she's been on a school bus before when she was at her former school, but this is different. I then hopped in my car and tried to follow the bus there so that I could be there when she got off. Of course,I lost the bus somewhere, and they got there before me. I found my girls in the playground...playing and happy.
It was okay that I wasn't there to get my youngest off the bus(not with me it wasn't). Then she took my hand to start walking in the building...but a few seconds later..she let go.. It was a foreshadow of what was about to happen...it was the start of a new era.
What is it about today that is making me a crazed lunatic? It is the start of a new era for me as well ...I will be without any children home with me. For the last 13 plus years, I have had someone home with me at least part time... I realize now that I won't have that identity of a mom of little ones. My babies are all growing up...
I try to say to myself...Snap out of it! This is what you have been waiting for, for years! You keep saying that you can't wait until the house is quiet and you have the whole day to yourself, to do with what you want. Ha! that's funny..I'll be taking my mom to more appointments and volunteering more at my kids schools!
The question is, what will I doing with this newfound time? I'll probably find something else to complain about. What does this new stage mean for me? I have always defined myself as a stay at home mom...but I don't have to stay at home now. I guess the grass is greener on the other side...I don't know. I'll let you know when I get on the other side.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Ready For Take Off

Wow! My oldest just left today to go on her eighth grade trip, and I miss her so much!! It's funny that my husband and I had the same reaction when we said goodbye to her today. She said goodbye to me first while I was half asleep in the pre-dawn hours... as soon as I heard the door close, I panicked...OMG I just let her go!! I didn't give her a proper goodbye...I won't see her for 3 days!! I didn't make sure she brought everything....etc.
My husband took her at this insane hour to the school for drop off, and had the same reaction, as soon as he left he realized what a big deal this was!
We talked later and shared our similar reaction together...we were all growing up!!
I was lucky enough to receive a call from her while she was on the train, and after that, I felt better knowing she was having such a blast!!
It is so hard to let go......
My youngest might go to a school next year that is a much longer day because of the commute...I'm not sure I'm ready for her to go. It means a new chapter for me as well, it would be the first time that I wouldn't have anyone at home with me since the day I became a mom 13 years ago! I have had my kids close enough together that when one goes full day, I still have one at home even half day.
My little one is going in a few days to see this school and go on the bus with her older sister to try it out. I'm only having minor chest pains.....
It is so much worse when it is the youngest, I never thought I would be like this. I am always pushing my kids to the next level and secretly wishing for this new stage of having the day all ALONE!!
But now that this is a reality...I'm not sure I'm ready.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Piece of The Pie

They all want a bite outta me!! The people in my life all need me, and that's a good feeling...except when they all need me at the same time!!

"Mommy...where's my uniform shirt?"
"Mommy..she hit me again!"
"Mommy..I can't find my shoes..and I'm late for the bus!"
"Mommy...the toilet won't flush!"

This whole scene happens while I am in bed, trying to wake up!! This happens every day, just different questions. All you mom's out there know what I'm talking about right??

The daily grind...this one needs new socks, this one needs to get to their O.T. appointment, I need to fill out paperwork for my Mom and take her to her doctor and chemo appointments not to mention cleaning and cooking...

My husband is sadly last on this list, by the time the kids are in bed (well, most of them)and the house is quiet (except the phone ringing) we are able to talk.....who are you???

The pie only has crumbs left....a few lonely crumbs!! I am completely depleted. There is nothing left of me.....

We are trying to carve out time for just the two of us, it's a daily battle. But it is imperative to our marriage to make the time.

I started this blog as a way for me to talk to other moms and get advice as well as give any if needed. It's a way for me to get the "pie" filled up again...so I can be able to give my family a piece of me -- day after day...after day..after day...

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Out of the Box

Why is it that I feel that something is "wrong" because my child doesn't fit the "mold"? I know that I am not the only mother out there that feels this way! Every child is a world of their own put into a cookie cutter system.
It is so hard some days to fight the system, I feel like just giving in. Why is it that because there is a teacher that can't deal with anything other than robots for students, my daughter had to leave the school? She couldn't stay there...it would have been a disaster.
I am now looking to other options, though they are not totally ideal. No school is perfect..I know that. It's really a matter of what kind of sacrifice are we willing to make. There is a really good school that my older daughter is at but it is located far away, it is a one hour commute each way. Or, go to a closer school where we would be sacrificing other things.
The bottom line is that I don't like feeling this way...having to feel like my daughter doesn't really have many choices because she doesn't fit into their mold.
It is not as if I haven't dealt with this already with some of my other kids, it bothers me more, because I have to deal with this again.
My children count on me and my husband to make these decisions for them, it is so frightening!
We have to be their advocates....that is what keeps me focused to do my best to keep their best interests my focus every day.
Out of the box or in the box? Who cares? In my opinion,it's the child that doesn't fit in the box who becomes an even more unique individual.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Time Flies When Your Having Fun

My oldest is graduating from elementary school in a few weeks! High school is just around the corner! I remember when she was born.....older, and wiser mothers said that time will fly- that I should enjoy every moment. I just nodded with my eyelids at half mast from sleep deprivation. Now of course, in hindsight I see that indeed, time flew.

She is now 13 and ready to start on her new stage of entering high school. I too am entering a new stage called mom of teenagerhood. With this new stage I now have to learn to step back and keep my mouth shut. I stand to the side and watch as a bystander now.....not like before when she would trail behind me as a little one.
I need to sit and listen to her more than she needs to listen to me.

Months ago her school started planning the 8th grade trip. I immediately told her I wanted to chaperon....her response was less than enthusiastic. She told me, trying to be sensitive, that she would rather I not go. I was happy and sad at the same time. I was happy that she was ready to tell me that it was time to be more independent(I might embarrass her). I was sad....because I couldn't go on this awesome trip....(white water rafting, people!).

Growing up is hard ......for both of us! Time is flying.....and I'm having so much fun!

Monday, May 11, 2009


Can you wipe me? That is how I am woken up most mornings. You would think that I am used to this already....I've been through this 3 times before!

My youngest is still too little to take care of herself in the bathroom. So the "can you wipe meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?" question is still happening here. It also seems to happen at dinner also, but that is better for me because my husband is home. All I have to do is give him the "look" and he gets up to take care of it.

Why is it that I couldn't wait for them to say mommy when they are babies, but when they start saying it, it becomes so grating on my nerves?

Just when I am ready to throw in the towel, my youngest will come over and give me a hug and say, "I love you mommy" in the most loving way! I am convinced that those moments are the ones that have kept her from being sent to the gypsies!

"Mommy ......where is my homework sheet?" Is the question I was asked morning, by my 12 year old son. How was I supposed to know? (I thought) It turns out that I did know....I threw it out by accident. Oh, well.....better than being woken up to help in the bathroom.....

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day!!

I have big plans for today! My sister and I are taking my mom out for lunch and the we are hosting my in-laws for dinner (only 20 people!). I hope everyone will be in good moods today....especially my mom....ya never know what will happen! I guess she keeps me on my toes!
My mom was diagnosed with cancer in January and it's been a very rough road. We hope that she will be with us for many more years, but the reality of her diagnosis is not as optimistic. We take every day as it comes and her attitude is good for the most part. I have always taken care of her in some way my whole life (long story)but now she needs more care than ever. I am her primary caretaker (along with my sister) and some days it becomes very overwhelming. I am constantly balancing her needs with my four young children and husbands needs. I now understand the "sandwich generation" saying so very well!
I am doing the best I can, at least that is what I tell myself everyday. Every day is really a gift, though some days it is harder to see than others!
I plan on enjoying the day with my kids, mother, and mother -n-law!! I have so much to be thankful for!! Enjoy your day too!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Space Invaders

I need my space. I can't help it, it's just the way I am. Don't get me wrong, I love being around people. I am a very social person, just ask my husband; he thinks I'm too social. I just need my 2-3 feet of personal space around me.
During my first pregnancy I remember feeling like I was possessed. There was this creature moving around and kicking me. I was really weirded out by this.
My space issue became a real problem when I had my first daughter. Babies need to be held....constantly. She was either nursing constantly or needed to be held.......I said constantly right? No one tells you how demanding motherhood actually is and babies don't come with an instruction manual. So, we all manage to figure things out by trial and error, some of us have more error than others.
Space was and still is a huge issue for me. Children have no concept of personal space; especially children who have sensory deficits. My girls need to not just be next to me, they need to be right on top of me. I have gotten used to it....mostly. What really sends me over the edge is more than one person sitting on top of me and the fighting between them about their designated space. My kids aren't babies anymore, meaning there are big people fighting on my lap! This is a space invasion! My son, on the other hand, is like me and is constantly yelling at his sisters to get out of his space.
This has become so much more of an issue as the kids are getting older because they need me in a whole different way now. Now they need me to listen to them in addition to needing me to be physically close to them. It is sensory overload for me!
I came to realize that they need me in a way that is almost impossible for me to give. I do give to them the best way that I can, and that has to be good enough for them and for me. I do need to take care of myself in a nurturing way so that I can nurture them. If I am depleted, then there isn't anything there to give. I am always trying to strike a balance between everyone's needs and trying to fulfill them the best way possible.
As mothers day approaches I am always struck by the dichotomy of the day. As a child I always hated mothers day because my mom got all the attention. My mother's answer to me was, "every day is children's day". Funny, it never felt like it was my day every day. Now as mother, a daughter, and a daughter-n-law I try to make the day nice for everyone. My mother told me recently that the first mothers day after her mother died she didn't want to celebrate that year because to her - mothers day was about her mother; so then there was no reason to celebrate anymore. We did celebrate after that but I guess it was never the same for my mom. Now as a mother myself, I see the day for my mother and mother-n-law and like to try to make some special time for each as well as carve out some for myself.
Mothers day is a day designated for us to celebrate being a mom. Even with those little and big "space invaders" who call us mom.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Playing Hookie

Playing hookie for a mom is like not washing that fourth load of laundry for the day. Then, the next day that load was the one that had the one item a child needed for school! Moms never really get to play hookie, as I just recently learned. I planned to have the entire day ahead of me without any children and without doing anything for them. I had a quick doctor appointment scheduled for myself that was located near a outlet mall. I arranged my day so that I would be able to leisurely shop after the appointment. I was looking forward to just relax and shop at my own pace!
I ended up going with a friend of mine who needed to start later than I had intended, but we tacked on a restaurant stop onto our day, which was a really nice addition. The shopping part of out trip was lessened to only one hour, but that was fine with me because I was relaxing! I kept saying to my friend, "I feel like I'm playing hookie!" We both felt like we were doing something wrong because we were not taking care of our regular responsibilities.
All afternoon I had this nagging feeling like I was supposed to be doing something. I finally let the guilt go on the ride home because there was terrible traffic and torrential rain. We were running terribly late although we managed to arrange back up childcare for our kids, thank you cell phones!
It was only after I got home and happened to glance at my personal calendar did I see that I totally blew off an appointment for one of my kids! Not only had I already rescheduled this particular appointment one time before, but I was at this office two days prior and I told them that I would see them today!
I couldn't believe it! I knew I felt guilty about something all afternoon.... well, I wasn't going to beat myself up about this. I was playing hookie, and part of playing hookie means there is no guilt about doing it. But what is a mother without guilt?

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Moms don't get Sick Days

My job is 24/7. There are no holidays, and no sick days. Certainly there are no "personal days". When I do get sick, things around here can get insane. My kids can't stand it when they see me in bed, and not up and around as usual. My poor husband is saddled with all of my share of the responsibilities, plus his usual heavy load.
Once, when recovering from surgery, I lay in bed watching a cleaning lady, my mother -n-law, my mother, and a babysitter trying to take care of my house! They were having a very difficult time trying to cope. I saw then what it took to replace me and frankly it scared me to death! I have felt ever since then that I cannot "afford" to be sick.
I went just last week to the doctor who told me that I had a virus, and that it could last up to three weeks! I looked at her in panic. I told that it simply couldn't happen, that I could not be laid up in bed that long, I have way too much to do! She wasn't bothered by my outrage, she just shrugged and told me to take care of myself. Take care of myself? I almost laughed in her face!How do I do that? I'm too busy with everyone and everything else.
That is what we tell ourselves all the time. I'm too busy to take care of myself. If I don't though, I will end up back in that bed with everything falling apart around me. It's like that analogy of the airline attendant who tells us in case of emergency we must cover ourselves first with the oxygen mask before our child. It doesn't seem very motherly to take care of ourselves first. Though, it must be done for our very survival.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Homework Hustle

Every weeknight there is a race that we run in our house. It's us against Mr. Time and Mr. Patience. Who run's out first? You guessed it, Mr. Time and Mr. Patience.
There are three children who have homework to finish before bedtime and one child that needs to be put to bed at the same time. How do my husband and I accomplish this daunting task? I have two words: Divide and Conquer! (the "and" doesn't count, for those of you who are counting) We split up and try the best we can to get everything done in that small window of time. We sometimes have a "baton" race where I start one group out, and then hand him the "baton" at a later point and he finishes that task. By the end of our race we are like panting marathon runners needing a desperate rest. Mr. Time and Mr Patience are always breathing down our necks trying to get to us.
I can't say for sure who wins each night. I can say that we try each and every night to win that marathon even though the odds are against us.
I would like to make Time and Patience a gift to my children each and every day.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

One Day at a Time

That's my motto. Very often though, it's one minute at a time. I am trying, just like everyone else, to get through the day. I often feel like I am not acomplishing much of anything, even though I am crossing off the things I have done on my to do list. My husband and I are raising four children and caring for my ailing mother while trying to be normal people. What normal is I don't know, but it's something I feel we are not.
Motherhood has taken me for wild ride. I have held on for dear life and pray every day that I'm going to make it out alive. There are so many emotions I can feel in one day, from sheer happiness to utter despair. So far I am here, and like I always say....one day at a time.